35? Is this what happens?

It just occurred to me that  I have not been able to post since my birthday last week. I mean I actually feel as if I've nothing to say when really most of my posts don't have a purpose anyway. Maybe it has something to do with staying at my sisters? . I need a job, maybe that's it. I don't know what it is but it's something. Maybe it's the cold weather & having a cold? Hmmm...

no i am still not pregnant. it was the virus.

and just for the record i don't want to be pregnant.

so here is the picture of myself and crazybaby. as you can see, and as i did see, i do look pregnant. Truth be told i gained a lot of weight on my last boat and i just thought it was that. I also thought  "fuck vanity, this is an amazing photo of  two friends playing together. who cares if i look fat". Anyway what the severe bloating was (under the rolls i mean) was the onset of the virus attacking me. The one I got from cow? The one that turned into a bacterial blood infection? Yeah that one. I ignored the first stages of the virus because I thought it was gas. You know the really painful kind that feels like a knife? And vanity aside for this photo , it was still in check when I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital and was thinking to myself "oh my god i am going to emergency for farts". Anyway, it's all better now. And my hospital room was the best ever. I didn't want to leave. But I did, they discharged me into the night with raging floods and only my passports,a lighter and the pyjamas I'd been wearing for days. i am happy i had the lighter. oh and the meds. they saved my ass

my loves

true confessions

i really really very badly want rhinoplasty. and i'm pretty sure that will be my next big expenditure. and it's not just to straighten out the kinks from the breaks

splish splash

the best part of the day was always going to be bath time. even though cutting 500kg of cane by hand (and 1 small scythe) was shed loads of fun it is all about the shower at the end of the day. they el's love love love their water. the mahouts love telling their el's to dunk us under the water. i took a lot of video for this but all you can hear is laughing and i'm shaking so much from laughing you can't see much. anyway, here are some pics

THE TWINS! learning how to swim but mostly just rolling around 

snorkel

a crazy love affair with crazybaby (one word)

attempt to climb over the fence. more play time on this side

I didn't mean for it to happen. I already had my favourites, the twins. but no. slowly and surely crazybaby, not so subtley charmed his way into my frozen  heart. I would walk past his house at lunch every day and with each step saying to myself "do not look, make no eye contact. show no emotion!" and then I would see it. this  small bundle of grey goodness trundling over to the fence with dust puffing up with every step. reaching out to play. SO FREAKING CUTE. yes elephant babies are cute, all of them and they have the most mischevious personalities. But this baby is crazy. It's play play play, trunk around the neck, arm in the mouth, blowing air in my face, hair pulling etc

I blow in his trunk and he blows back. ridiculously cute. 

it was a mutual love and i've heard mothers say before - the time went by so quickly, i wish that he wouldn't grow up in a way. anyway, i will try to attach a video to this later but it was nearly impossible to get one of crazybaby because he is so crazy. super frisky at all times. i love him and i miss him.

more crazybaby after the jump

it's in the ears

Crazybaby 5 months old. My obsession!

As elephants age the upper part of their ears start to curl down. As evidenced in the following pics. I tried to remotely write the age of the el's on the phot's but it was very small (ha because I was still in Thailand?) so have written underneath in caption instead.

Vanda 12 years old

Noi age 47 years

Old guy, don't know his name AGE 70 years!
Check the wrinks on his shoulder/legs

No fucking way

finally landed in a place that despite the torrential rain, has electricity and an ok wifi connection. But guess what ? Laptop didn't survive the flood. I am at the 9 DAY FASTING retreat. My mom suggested I dry it out with rice  and I'm like what rice? There is no food here. nobody eating around these parts. can i dry it out with a colema board? oh well. still happy. pretty hungry though. this fasting is not boding well with my emotional eating.

Bragging rights revoked

Sorry about lack of posts. I was going to brag about how I only got 2 mosquito bites the whole time i hve been here but I ended up in emergency ward for 3 days having contracted  a virus from cows (fucking cows!). It infected my blood and attacked my bones and muscles.  the whole time i was in hospital a typhoon raged outside. I was oblivious to all but when I was discharged at night, in the dark, that was when I found out the place i was staying, and most everywhere, had water up to the waist. Most of the island is flooded and the devastation is unbelievable. I am trying to get off the island now but the planes and ferries are halted. I walked in the street where the water was a "good" level, shin height, and it literally tore my shoes apart and off my feet. electricity is intermittent and internet - well this is the first time in a week and i've walked miles to get to it. that's the latest. I'm not licking  my wounds, it's great to be part of such an adventure. Just want the damn cow disease (what does that mean? is it mad cow? fitting...)to go. x

Volunteer project in elephant village Thailand. Mahout mania

Sawadee-kah, my name is Noi. 

So the village is called elephant village not because they made it for elephants but because there are about 500 homes and over 300 elephants. They are everywhere! It's like coffee shops in Canada or karaoke bars in japan. You cannot imagine. The ellies live underneath the homes of the mahouts. Mahouts are there carers, 1 mahout to 1 elephant. They live sleep breath their elephants. Kind of like babies they need 24 hr care, over 500kg food a day. Plus bath's and scratching time. Each elephant  has a different way  of letting you up. Some lift their leg for you to climb. Some sit down, some you stand on their trunk and climb over. Our role as volunteers was to assist the mahouts with their daily activities and immerse ourselves in their lifestyle. There is a lot of work to do with just one elephant and it's not the kind of job where you can call in a sick day. The 500 kg of cane they eat? Well you chop that by hand, with a scythe, a few times a day. Shovelling shit? Kind of like mucking a stall for a horse only this stall is the size of a small house. Shower and bath time is also important. We are assigned to one elephant for the duration of our stay and with the elephant comes the Mahout. My mahouts name was Yan and my Elephants name was Noi.

me knees, Noi's head taking me to the pond.

Noi is quite the curvy gal. Rounder than most.

WE ARE BOTH SMILING!!!

Yan and Noi

I have loads of pics. Can anyone tell me how to make a separate page of photo gallery? with the link at the top of the  homepage?

shower time

true confessions

I am scared  of cows. Thought it was just Irish cows but it seems to be an international issue. Side-eye and I am running into an electric fence. That's me done. Show me horns and I could probably cry.

It's all white on the night

I'm a natural

So as much as us Westerners obsess about getting that perfect bronzed tan, the Thai’s obsess with getting that perfect luminescent white skin (tradeja?). The first thing I noticed in the first 7-11 (the first of thousands I might add) I was in, were the rows of face cream and wash for both men and women with “whitening” agent. I even took a picture. This coming from a girl (me) who although I am far from girly I still have bronzer, summer glow body cream and other things to make me more brown. The irony isn’t lost on me. If that’s not the pot calling the kettle bronze I don’t know what is.  Oh I am also told by people, Thai people , that Thais are obsessed with skinny-ness. But don’t they know that everyone looks slimmer with a tan??

I have nothing to say about this. I still look pregnant.
My two signature looks seem to be pregnant or man. lucky me.

One Night In Bangkok

So I have arrived in Bangkok. I travelled with Emirates for the first time and though I had previously heard great reviews, for me it was hell – H E double hockey sticks. I have never felt so cramped into a space. Like a cat box. Fuck.  My knees touched the seat in front and there was a box under the chair in front so where the heck was I supposed to put my legs? I am a pretty average 5’9” but the geezer next to me was at least 6’ and it was like an unusual game of twister at some points. Luckily he was about one hundred so we developed a knee share/stretch leg out routine – as you do. Oh it was also about minus twenty degrees so we all had blankets on and were using the plastic wrap as scarves – as you do? Had quite the layover in Dubai. What did I learn in Dubai? I am probably not suited for Vegas. I felt like I just came off the farm. Flashing lights, loads of people, money money money! Not my cup of tea.

First view from first stay in Thailand

So I arrived in Bangkok, no mystery there. But there was a mysterious factor. 12 years ago I spent a fair bit of time in Japan., enough to pick up the basics of the language and like many skills, if not kept in practice it tends to fade away. This past summer in fact the only words I could recall were iikura dessu-ka, which means “how much?” Quelle surprise right? So touch down Bngkok and what do you know the ENTIRE Japanese vocabulary comes back. Explain that one please? Even weirder, when I met the other girl on this volunteer trip she had the same experience. By “same” I mean she also lived in Japan 12 years ago, forgot everything, it all came back. We also both have huge feet. My ride back from the airport was with a guy from the volunteer group who didn’t speak a lick of English but his little girl’s mother is Japanese and there we were, chatting away, in Nihongo. The little girls name? Shalala. And it only gets better from there…

First awesome meal with volunteer coordinators. Bottom right dish my new favourite thing.

in the land of heffalumps

seriously  no time to post right now but i made my way through bangkok and up to Surin through torrential floods (over waist deep). At the sanctuary now  and did my first elephant bath today. An outstanding experience. They have really really really big poo and that's what I will be turning into paper tomorrow. More later. Will find a way to post dammit! Sorry for no comments lately, it has been a whirlwind since I left France. Soon I will have tons of pictures, I finally got a camera!!! and it's waterproof!!!

hard to say who was more embarrassed during this exchange

So on my last excursion in Barcelona my friend and I went for a stroll up Las Ramblas which is 1.2km long street bordered by the Gothic area on one side and the Raval area on the other. On the boulevard all the way along are kiosks selling whatever you can imagine, from flowers to magazines to bunnies and chicks. Tons of buskers too. I had been drinking wine on Friday night, as you do, and was in considerable pain on Saturday. As much as I love wine, and there is a whole lot of love there - I mean c'mon I live in France - it is not worth it because of the inescapable heartburn that accompanies it. Burn baby burn, sometimes I cave though and give into the consequences. Anyway, before I could tuck into my beer I had to go the pharmacy to get some heartburn stuff. The nice lady, who didn't speak a lick of English (if you can imagine i did charades to convey my message), sorted me out with some strong stuff and I took it to the counter to pay. Get to the till, and the nice lady there said to me "no can sell.". Points to my stomach and says "YOU HAVE BABY?" .

gave birth the next day to a one year old.

then there was a huge awkward silence after I said "no, i have lunch". Just enough time to break a nervous sweat and then I ran away (as you do when total strangers think you are pregnant and the last time you had sex was so long ago that any baby you could have had, would be toddler age by now)

joining the ranks

joining the ranks of those that don't post on weekends. kicked my shoes off and watched these guys with a couple cold cans of beer. 

question: if it's animal on different animal is it considered bestiality?

and yeah i know that's a weird question but my co-worker directed me to THIS and while everyone was laughing I was just thinking..what the fuck?!??? which lead me to the question: if it is animal on dead animal, is it necrophilia? just wondering.

day five of captivity...

The head tormentor is hungry again. Have tried to sleep all day in solitary confinement. The captor and accomplices will perhaps assume I’ve gone overboard. They say things like “sick as a dog”. Yes dogs are sick but why are these units always asking for food at unheard of hours of the day? My night, their day, be sick already. Why eat in this state? Purposely overcooked the carcass tonight in hope that they would relent with the harassment. No such luck. Where are the other captives? Perhaps they have made it to their destination and have tasted that thing called freedom. They talked about that place a lot, why would they want to lick it? Am waiting for their signal to make my move. I can swim, it is only a matter of time…..

a lovely blog award is a lovely way to start the day

Yesterday I finished my watch at 0800. It was uneventful, the weather has been fine - smooth sailing really. Then I discovered I had bestowed upon me this:

which was awesome. Mynx at Dribble ( who I posted about a couple days ago). I am so flattered honoured and delighted that I don't even know what to say except THANK YOU! and so surprised am I, that my mostly sarcastic train of thought seems to be temporarily rendered speechless. that's a first.

If you go to Mynx's site you will see the other blogs she nominated. One is Annah's , Red Means Go which I have previously mentioned many a time. There is also Bouncin' Thru Life by Bouncin' Barb (best name ever!), that I just recently started reading, and a few more that I am not so familiar with but plan on checking out. And I just want to say thank you to Don who has been the source for some new friendships. Ta. 

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you - promo time

just thank you so very much to the original and new followers.  Mynx  at Dribble is right - readers comments really are the new crack so please feed my addiction. and if you go look at Annah's website you will see this awesome button on the side titled "Adventures of a Sailor Girl". Click on it, at her sight, to see (well I'll tell you right now, it will bring you right back here but pressing buttons is always fun)!

Art by Annah of Red Means Go
who will too soon find  Famosity!

I like pervy  Dan from The Danaconda a lot too. He is the yin to my current state of asexuality yang.  Speaking of sexuality, Annah and Dan did the funniest collaboration on that very subject that you have to check out. Get ready to cry tears of laughter - He Says, She Says

As we are still on a passage I am still able to be the master (mistress?) of the remote. Tonights program is called "Big Trouble In Thailand". Really getting some good guidance under my belt for the upcoming trip. I definitely know what not to do. This show is terrifying. No wonder I don't watch t.v. It's so scary out there in the world.

my blog is black because that's how i feel inside.

not really. it is pretty gloomy looking though isn't it?  i think it's because i started this, and did nothing with it, when i was coming out of a pretty dark time. but i love black. my dad only wears black. since the early 80's or something. that is dedication (he's a mathematician. cannot. stop. simplifying.)

my black bike "Geoffrey"

is this a sign? glad i got insurance

more specifically, insurance that covers elephant trampling. it is a rare occasion when I sit down to watch tv. anyway today is one of those days because the crew mess is empty and everybody is down for the count (enjoy your seasickness suckers!). I have had it on the National Geo channel and so far there have been three programs about people getting trampled by elephants.  hmmm...

11 days from now I'll be on a flight to thailand. to shovel shit. literally.

double rainbow = good omen

Bon Voyage. We dropped the lines today in Porto Montenegro and are making our way back to Barcelona, Spain around the boot of Italy. I am not a city girl but Barcelona could have me. It is fan-fucking-tastic! Unfortch I will most likely only have one day there followed by a flight back home to France. A one day turn around there and then off to Thailand for volunteer work at an ELEPHANT conservation site. that's right.!

I have had fair warnings from my caring and witty friends, in regard to my thai trip, about guys that are girls and people trying to get in your pants. All I have to say to that is  -no thank you- to chicks or dicks or chicks with dicks. The only thing entering this body  in the near or distant future is botox. And potentially a tube for colonics.  More about that later. Not sure if I can hack fasting for 7 days. Food is my life.

Going on watch in  few hours so have to catch some zzz's.

i tried to take a pic of the goodbye sign at customs
but i guess my phone decided to  focus on the reefer
typical..

true confessions

I can't believe I'm actually publicly admitting this, and am about to subject myself to huge mockery (Campbell). Alright, so Meatloaf's album Bat Out of Hell? It is on some heavy rotation in the galley. In fact when I go to the part in i-tunes where it says Top 25 Most Played?   You guessed it.

oh and i seem to know all the lyrics too...

Mountain Dew

pain in the ass

I cannot stand people who refuse to eat linguine instead of fettuccine. or spaghetti instead of linguine. get a fucking grip.

funny foreign things

i used to secretly want a tape worm

worm side dishes. ordered from that section of course

the best part

The best part of my job is going to the markets. I wanted to write an amazing post with loads of pictures about how vibrant colorful and exciting they are but I still don't have a camera and more importantly we have been at anchor for about a week now. FML - not fuck my life, well maybe a little, but feed me lobster, find me land, forgive my laisser faire etc.. Sure being at anchor is great for the owners but my job is to source food wherever in the world I might be. Being at anchor, in the most remote places, interferes with this part a wee bit. Plus I feel trapped. Even if you don't get off the boat when you are on the dock, it is there, and allows a mental sense of liberty. It is very hard to find anywhere to get away on a boat this size and we aren't allocated  any exterior space (i'm currently on a 38m). Ok, lost track there because what I meant to say is the markets make it worthwhile. The perfume of all the different fruits and vegetables, the old ladies with their three bunches of herbs, the piles of cheese and meat, the haggling, the noise, the various languages, grimy hands reaching out to you with slices of whatever it is they are selling that day - I eat a lot of dirt by the way. It is such a buzz, so colorful and I absolutely love it. You know most of the stuff you are buying is organic and your eggs, that are still warm, are not even a day old. This is in Europe of course. I haven't been to many markets on other continents - yet.

really scary market thing after the jump!

this guy is a whack job in more ways than one

Yucko . don't think you'll be seeing him on People of Walmart anytime soon.

Lithuanians

Julija for example. A fucking riot

I have never met a Lithuanian who wasn't fall of your chair hilarious. And that is in English, I can't even imagine how funny they'd be in Lithuanian

funny foreign things

just no

At a quick glance I think we can all see what I thought this might have said. Nice touch with the aroma vapour.

true confessions

I thought it was sarah palin  pronounced pal. for example
me: hey want to be my pal?
potential new pal: Whatever, fuck you buddy

Just learned today it is pronounced pale-in.
me: i'm so fucking pale I'm dark white.
me: yeah i noticed.

i don't watch tv. that explains?

full moon rising

is that a real photo? I took it so i know it is
but it looks like a pic of a painting. weird

and maragarita too! note the stunning presentation by the stunning Michelle in a spice grinder with a salt rim. It's the little things, I think we can all agree on that.  fuck yeah

tell it to me like i'm five - a recipe for veal lasagna

the owners of the yacht i am currently on just had two couples visit for about a week. they were the loveliest people. really personable, funny, approachable, and just good folk. the husbands of each couple both fell in love with this lasagna  i made for them. i don't know how or why as from my angle i was just trying to put something together with the limited resources i had (frozen spinach and minced veal?  of course). They then asked for the recipe. ummmmmmm ...what recipe? my cooking doesn't really have rules or guidelines. Needless to say  they were so lovely that i tried to write it out for them. So here it is for you. I was also informed that they had never made a normal lasagna so tried to make it as clear as possible for them - hence the title Tell it TO Me Like I'm 5. which incidentally will be the name of the cookbook that i will probably never get around to writing. so there it is after the break. too big to have here and also since i don't have a picture of it, or the ingredients i have included a picture of Scoobs. He is a bichon frise from ireland that i trained when his owners didn't have time or enough experience to do it themselves. he was my sidekick for months. i am not the small fluffy dog type at all but he totally won me over. love him so much.

those are the fangs that ripped through my nostril, gave
me septicemia and a scar for life. we were playing.
puppy teeth are new and sharp

the best part of my job is also the worst part

you should have seen my face

I'm talking about provisiong. There is a lot to be said about the markets in Europe, just not now. It's the super market roulette you play in whatever port you happen to be in, and the orders sent to agents that get so lost in translation. This is the frustrating, albeit interesting part. Went to shore yesterday, got some meat with the captain (by the way, thank you very much dean!) and on the way back in the tender he said "it might not be what you are used to". Ok fine, I am at that point happy to know we got something other than veal (side note: they don't seem to let many animals grow to maturity here. piglets, lamb, baby cows, it's all like that. tough to get adults). Get back to the boat, organizing meals for the next day and pull out a leg of lamb (with a bonus!)

should have brought
my own knives

Me: oh my god. the tail is still on it

Michelle: well, you are the chef after all

Me: asshole

that's not sunlight streaming in.
That is god saying do not fling the
baby's tail. 

Maybe so, I am the "chef". But I am not the butcher. And beside the unexpected body parts there seems to be a lot of bloodletting still to be done. It's like a fucking DIY abattoir around here. here being my galley. i must have put about 3 liters of blood down the drain and definitely 3 tails went flying overboard. It's funny how a lamb tail can make me "oh my god" but i happen to love ox-tail soup. it's just different. i don't know why, but it is. i have been eating cereal since yesterday afternoon , and to think there was a point a couple years ago when all i wanted was to do an advanced butchering class.

true confessions

can barely get through The Dog Whisperer without crying.

paradise by the dashboard light

there aint no doubt about it
  we were doubly blessed

Let Them eat Cake

Red Means Go is the funniest website that I am reading right now. Anyway, it is Annah's six month blogge-versary today and if you have a spare moment to kill (of course you do, you're at work right?!) check out her hilarity and pursuit of Famosity. I happened to be making cupcakes this morning, went for my daily fix of humour (at her site. obv) , saw the festivities and decorated in her honour. I really miss making people sick with awesome sweet things & i also miss decorating cakes. That being said - it is bloody el-scorchio here, wherever i am, in montenegro. Icing nearly split and sprinkles melted in my hand. Doesn't matter..happy day Annah!

reflecting on the morning

Salsify! and i don't mean the vegetable

despite what it looks like
i am not balding, nor do i have a bad weave
but i am leaning towards ginge..

I knew those Salsa Slim classes would pay off eventually!

One night off in Kotor. So we had a night off. There is no way to explain this but if you work on a yacht you will understand where I am coming from. The boss and company went off for dinner. We got to go ashore. We had  three hours (and none of the following was intentional).

Basically this:

plus this: 

equalled a great night out, a whole lot of fun and getting flung around a room, salsa style, by some pretty smick bartenders. plus a big headache the next day. well worth it!

before? during? the rest are all afters...

I am using the pic above as proof, that I, for once, was not the instigator

More tom-foolery after the jump!