pain in the ass

I cannot stand people who refuse to eat linguine instead of fettuccine. or spaghetti instead of linguine. get a fucking grip.

funny foreign things

i used to secretly want a tape worm

worm side dishes. ordered from that section of course

the best part

The best part of my job is going to the markets. I wanted to write an amazing post with loads of pictures about how vibrant colorful and exciting they are but I still don't have a camera and more importantly we have been at anchor for about a week now. FML - not fuck my life, well maybe a little, but feed me lobster, find me land, forgive my laisser faire etc.. Sure being at anchor is great for the owners but my job is to source food wherever in the world I might be. Being at anchor, in the most remote places, interferes with this part a wee bit. Plus I feel trapped. Even if you don't get off the boat when you are on the dock, it is there, and allows a mental sense of liberty. It is very hard to find anywhere to get away on a boat this size and we aren't allocated  any exterior space (i'm currently on a 38m). Ok, lost track there because what I meant to say is the markets make it worthwhile. The perfume of all the different fruits and vegetables, the old ladies with their three bunches of herbs, the piles of cheese and meat, the haggling, the noise, the various languages, grimy hands reaching out to you with slices of whatever it is they are selling that day - I eat a lot of dirt by the way. It is such a buzz, so colorful and I absolutely love it. You know most of the stuff you are buying is organic and your eggs, that are still warm, are not even a day old. This is in Europe of course. I haven't been to many markets on other continents - yet.

really scary market thing after the jump!

this guy is a whack job in more ways than one

Yucko . don't think you'll be seeing him on People of Walmart anytime soon.

Lithuanians

Julija for example. A fucking riot

I have never met a Lithuanian who wasn't fall of your chair hilarious. And that is in English, I can't even imagine how funny they'd be in Lithuanian

funny foreign things

just no

At a quick glance I think we can all see what I thought this might have said. Nice touch with the aroma vapour.

true confessions

I thought it was sarah palin  pronounced pal. for example
me: hey want to be my pal?
potential new pal: Whatever, fuck you buddy

Just learned today it is pronounced pale-in.
me: i'm so fucking pale I'm dark white.
me: yeah i noticed.

i don't watch tv. that explains?

full moon rising

is that a real photo? I took it so i know it is
but it looks like a pic of a painting. weird

and maragarita too! note the stunning presentation by the stunning Michelle in a spice grinder with a salt rim. It's the little things, I think we can all agree on that.  fuck yeah

tell it to me like i'm five - a recipe for veal lasagna

the owners of the yacht i am currently on just had two couples visit for about a week. they were the loveliest people. really personable, funny, approachable, and just good folk. the husbands of each couple both fell in love with this lasagna  i made for them. i don't know how or why as from my angle i was just trying to put something together with the limited resources i had (frozen spinach and minced veal?  of course). They then asked for the recipe. ummmmmmm ...what recipe? my cooking doesn't really have rules or guidelines. Needless to say  they were so lovely that i tried to write it out for them. So here it is for you. I was also informed that they had never made a normal lasagna so tried to make it as clear as possible for them - hence the title Tell it TO Me Like I'm 5. which incidentally will be the name of the cookbook that i will probably never get around to writing. so there it is after the break. too big to have here and also since i don't have a picture of it, or the ingredients i have included a picture of Scoobs. He is a bichon frise from ireland that i trained when his owners didn't have time or enough experience to do it themselves. he was my sidekick for months. i am not the small fluffy dog type at all but he totally won me over. love him so much.

those are the fangs that ripped through my nostril, gave
me septicemia and a scar for life. we were playing.
puppy teeth are new and sharp

the best part of my job is also the worst part

you should have seen my face

I'm talking about provisiong. There is a lot to be said about the markets in Europe, just not now. It's the super market roulette you play in whatever port you happen to be in, and the orders sent to agents that get so lost in translation. This is the frustrating, albeit interesting part. Went to shore yesterday, got some meat with the captain (by the way, thank you very much dean!) and on the way back in the tender he said "it might not be what you are used to". Ok fine, I am at that point happy to know we got something other than veal (side note: they don't seem to let many animals grow to maturity here. piglets, lamb, baby cows, it's all like that. tough to get adults). Get back to the boat, organizing meals for the next day and pull out a leg of lamb (with a bonus!)

should have brought
my own knives

Me: oh my god. the tail is still on it

Michelle: well, you are the chef after all

Me: asshole

that's not sunlight streaming in.
That is god saying do not fling the
baby's tail. 

Maybe so, I am the "chef". But I am not the butcher. And beside the unexpected body parts there seems to be a lot of bloodletting still to be done. It's like a fucking DIY abattoir around here. here being my galley. i must have put about 3 liters of blood down the drain and definitely 3 tails went flying overboard. It's funny how a lamb tail can make me "oh my god" but i happen to love ox-tail soup. it's just different. i don't know why, but it is. i have been eating cereal since yesterday afternoon , and to think there was a point a couple years ago when all i wanted was to do an advanced butchering class.

true confessions

can barely get through The Dog Whisperer without crying.

paradise by the dashboard light

there aint no doubt about it
  we were doubly blessed

Let Them eat Cake

Red Means Go is the funniest website that I am reading right now. Anyway, it is Annah's six month blogge-versary today and if you have a spare moment to kill (of course you do, you're at work right?!) check out her hilarity and pursuit of Famosity. I happened to be making cupcakes this morning, went for my daily fix of humour (at her site. obv) , saw the festivities and decorated in her honour. I really miss making people sick with awesome sweet things & i also miss decorating cakes. That being said - it is bloody el-scorchio here, wherever i am, in montenegro. Icing nearly split and sprinkles melted in my hand. Doesn't matter..happy day Annah!

reflecting on the morning

Salsify! and i don't mean the vegetable

despite what it looks like
i am not balding, nor do i have a bad weave
but i am leaning towards ginge..

I knew those Salsa Slim classes would pay off eventually!

One night off in Kotor. So we had a night off. There is no way to explain this but if you work on a yacht you will understand where I am coming from. The boss and company went off for dinner. We got to go ashore. We had  three hours (and none of the following was intentional).

Basically this:

plus this: 

equalled a great night out, a whole lot of fun and getting flung around a room, salsa style, by some pretty smick bartenders. plus a big headache the next day. well worth it!

before? during? the rest are all afters...

I am using the pic above as proof, that I, for once, was not the instigator

More tom-foolery after the jump!

goodbye Croatia

and helloooooo Montenegro

fuck you too

.  a tally of the remaining meals i have to cook until the owners are off. 

thanks a lot boss! just what i wanted to see

pants! i lobe you!

attaque d'amour

one more pic after the jump!

pink eyes and skies

Got myself some pink eye. That's always a bit of fun. I remember when i was in Ireland and got it, I had to go to the doctor to get some medicine. Ireland is pretty strict with the doling out of the meds, I should fecking konw. You can't even get certain vitamins over the counter. Like, for example, performance enhancing 500mg vitamin C. Anyway, my regular GP was away so I had to see the relief guy. Our conversation went like this.

Me: I have pink eye. I need some medicine please

Doctor: Only bovine get pink eye. *pause pause pause* What is the real problem?

So, if  you are ever in Ireland and have a case of pink eye make sure you refer to it by it's official name, conjuctivitis. I am not going to post a pic of my pink, ropey self but this is a picture with lots of pink it. I took it and I love the elements in it. It looks a bit like a photo done with a Holga. I have a Holga but I don't know how to load the film. Someday...and probably not anytime soon.

true confessions

sometimes i take my vitamins with coffee or some kind of hot drink because i think they will get in faster.

they sure do like their feta in montenegro

Gouda too but it was horizontal shelving that went the length of the whole aisle. I still don't have a camera-camera so I could only fit the feta in.

everybody in Kotor seems to smoke

Why? Probably because they cost a staggering 60 cents.

And if you are ever in a rush to get to the post office in Kotor before it closes, and you've left your fags at home. Well not to worry because they sell them there too. And on top of that, you can smoke inside the post office as well. Multi-tasking. Yay!

mutha- frocker

my very hip ass

So in this picture on the side you can see the burn on my body, from a grill pan. I am not sure at this point if that is my butt or my hip. The lower quadrant of my hip seems to have merged with the upper quadrant of my ass and now it's all just kind of one. I did put on a lot of weight this year, plus middle age spread and voila - hip-ass. What you can't see in this pic are the indentations from my too tight uniform. Uniform is awful at the best of times but on here it is spectacular. I am sporting jeggings. The high waisted kind. Seriously. And anyone who knows me knows that I hate my legs. So jeggings? Please no. And it's not that I hate my legs so much but I hate them on me. They would better suit somebody who is a premier rugby player. Sébastien Chabal for example. I can identify - with his physique. Not only that but the burn is pretty low on my body, I am of average height & the counter height is normal but I was able to burn at that level (the grill was on the hob) due to my height enhancing footwear. Crocs. I swore up & down I would never ever wear them. I don't care how comfortable they are. But I am and to compound the fug they are purple with flowers. I give in. I have lost all esteem. I even had this conversation with myself:

Self: Well are they comfortable?

Self: mmmmmmmm....maybe

At the end of the day I must admit I feel like I am wearing pyjama's all the time (the stretchy fab of the jeg, the airiness of the croc), and I think that was one of the reasons my youngest sister gave for becoming a nurse. scrubs = pyjamas. She was onto something there. Oh and did I mention? They aren't even real Crocs. They are Frocs.

Fish Bread?

not too sure about this one...

Now that's what I'm talking about.

My view outside the galley door today. I might have been the only person on-board that was delighted with the weather. Oooooooh ... I'm so moody. It was so beautiful though, I could have cried. Stunning in my opinion. I could actually hear the rain drops falling.

a storm is a brewin'

Yesterday was Sequential Day but you already knew that right?

So as you can see from previous post (singular, desperate) I am a fairly dysfunctional blogger. That being said, I had started this blog after emerging from a pretty major depression a few years ago. I was dysfunctional. "ummm, excuse me have you seen my personality anywhere? I seem to have misplaced it..". Anyway, a lot has happened since then. I did not finish high school but attended a culinary school that became a cornerstone to a wonderful path my life has taken. I now cook for a living on the high seas. I used to write the occasional group email to friends and family but thought I would pick up where that left off with this blog. Also a lot less buttons to press. Adding recipients takes me yonks and my domain is more often than not dysfunctioning. Perhaps canada.com is depressed too???

I am currently in Montenegro but more on that later. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I am not depressed, I have an internet connection and so there is no excuse. 2-3 years seems an awfully long time to wait on updates.